Are you always looking for the best in your partner?

Are You Always Looking for the Best in Your Partner?

Hi Everyone,

We came across this amazing article on the Access Consciousness Blog and had to share it with you!

What Would It Take for It to Show Up?


  • Do you believe people are innately good at heart, and that they always choose what’s best for them and others?
  • Are you sure that someday, hopefully soon, your partner will step up to being everything you know they can be?
  • Are you doing everything you can to make sure they choose the greatness that you know is within them?

Have you considered that this might not be in your best interest? Both Gary Douglas, founder of Access Consciousness® and best-selling author, and his business partner, Dr. Dain Heer, have tried it.

“It’s wanting somebody else to choose what you think they ought to choose instead of what they are choosing. It’s wanting them to choose what you know they could choose if they would just choose it, but they don’t,” says Heer.

“It’s called marriage,” adds Douglas, who has “been there twice, failed twice.  Both times, I thought the person was going to choose more because I could see that they could.”

“How many of you see the best that somebody could choose and always assume they will do it because you’re with them?” he asks.  He then asks workshop participants to destroy all their projections, expectations, separations, judgments, and rejections of the people in their lives for whom they’ve done this.

“Often times they want to see the potential in them that you see in them, but if they’re not already seeing it, they’re not going to see it,” says Heer.

As usual, it’s helpful to ask a question in situations like this.  “What sort of question is, ‘I know they can do it’?” asks Douglas. You’ve got to ask, “Are they choosing this?  Will they choose this?

“When you don’t look at what they can deliver, you set yourself up for disappointment.  Why would you do this to yourself?  You have to be honest with yourself.  Is this something this person can deliver?  Can this person deliver what I’m asking for?”

Both Douglas and Heer have experienced this first hand, many times.  “No process I’ve run has gotten me to not want people to be more,” recalls Heer.

You can still choose this if you like, they say, but it will cost you.  “If you’re going to push them into something that is not currently supported by their willingness, you have to provide the extra energy and cushion and reality and foundation for them to continue to choose it,” observes Heer.

This can take quite a toll on the giver in this situation, he’s found.  When he’s done this, “I started looking older, I started being unhappier, I started making less money, I started being less creative, because it took so much energy to take someone who, from their points of view, was this and go, ‘No, you’re this!’  I have to provide every bit of the energy, every bit of the bridge from this to this.  You haven’t ever seen me do that with anyone in particular, though, right?” he asks rhetorically.

He continues, “There is a practicality in looking at what’s required here is that I provide all the energy for them to keep choosing it.  How’s that working for me?  How’s that working for my business?”

“How’s that working for consciousness?” adds Douglas.

“And am I still willing to do it to create the relationship?” Heer continues.

“If you are willing to do it to create the relationship, then do it as long as you’re willing to until you are not anymore. But realize that when you pull out, when you stop doing it, you will see them tumble and fall like a bird shot out of the sky.  And it is not pretty.”

“And it makes you sad,” adds Douglas.  “But it seldom makes them sad.”

“They are just going back to who they decided they were, to who they knew they were in the first place,” says Heer.

It can get even uglier, says Douglas.  “Then they can blame you for everything that doesn’t work in their life.”

“They can not only blame you, but they can tell everybody else how bad, mean, and wrong you were to them,” adds Heer.

“You’ve got to get that if you are not there to facilitate what they choose, if you are there to provide everything, to take them from what they have decided is possible to what you KNOW should be possible for them, they will make you wrong for it when you stop providing all that energy,” he continues.  “They will go back into that tiny little thing that they decided they were before you met them, because being greater than that is not real to them.

One facilitator who followed in Douglas and Heer’s footsteps in attempting to bring out the best in her partner noticed that her partner actually regressed to a degree that astonished her when she stopped providing all the wind behind his wings.