In this reality, we are taught that relationship equals survival. We become afraid to leave even when we know a relationship is not working. We buy into the idea that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all, and we effectively snuff ourselves out in order to stay in a stable relationship! Using your relationship as a stability point? Now that’s scary!
What would it be like to be part of an ongoing, organic, creative relationship and not a relationship that acts as a stability point that you always have to come back to?
So how many of you are fighting for the stability of an old relationship rather than the ongoing creation of something new? And what if that new was your introduction to you?
When a relationship is not working, why not ask some questions?
If no one was right and no one was wrong, what would I choose?
How many stability points am I using to keep this relationship in the limits of no choice that I am choosing?
Modern society, Hollywood, and your well-meaning parents and friends have taught you ways to break up that are actually destructive and often deeply painful. We have all these considerations about what will happen if we leave, for example, “I’ll lose my house, I’ll lose all my money, I’ll lose the kids, I’ll lose this, etc.”
This make things far worse than they would have been if you’d approached things even a little differently.
Is there a possibility here that you are not enemies, you’re just not good housemates? What if there was such a thing as divorce-less divorce in which you both acknowledged gratitude for each? Do you think that might create a different possibility and invite your friends and children to a different possibility, one in which they don’t have to replicate the kind of relationship that ends in rejection, separation and judgment on both sides?
What if by what you chose, those around you could see it is possible to choose and choose again-That it is OK. We misidentify this as fear, or a lack of courage, but it’s really something quite different
Sometimes the relationship has been over for a long time and neither party will admit it. They are just going through the motions, not really happy with it the way it is and not knowing how to change it. Once we claim and acknowledge that something isn’t working for us, we can choose again.
Encourage question and encourage choice so whatever the choice, you’re facilitating that choice, whatever it is.
Here is your homeplay for choosing to stay or go in any relationship:
Write down all the stability points you can think of that you have created in your relationship, all those places where you “feel” limited, stuck or have used to keep you stable.
Which one of these would I be willing to let go of and what else is possible for me that I haven’t been willing to be or see?
Keep going ’til the whole list is gone. It doesn’t matter how long it takes.
It is about creating a new muscle — one that creates for you in any relationship. And please remember the right relationship for you is the one that begins with you and your willingness to be you, no matter what it looks like, no matter what it takes.
Soon you will find you can stop being afraid and begin choosing and creating something brand new that works for you/us, contributes to you/us, and gives you/us the space to be who we truly be! There’s nothing scary about that!