Disappearing Acts: The Ultimate Sacrifice

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 10.53.06 AMEver hear these famous words of wisdom? “You’ve got to sacrifice something in order for a relationship to work.”
”Who do you think you are?”
”You can’t have it all young lady/young man.” Really? Now that feels light, expansive and joyous, doesn’t it?

I wonder… How much have we attached honor, forgiveness and “do the right thing” to the standards of what this reality has defined as a working relationship? Wouldn’t that keep you creating the same limitations again and again?

Are you asking for a working relationship or would you rather have a relationship that works for you?

Ever notice how many people get into a relationship and begin to disappear? Their whole world begins revolving around ‘the relationship’ and making it work. How many of us live in deference to what we have already decided someone else requires of us? How many of us forget about intimacy with ourselves when we get into a relationship? We start to cut off pieces of ourselves; our likes and dislikes, what we would like to create, how we would like to create and who we would like to create with. In doing so, we begin to disappear.

If it’s not easy, it’s not you.


So what is true intimacy? True intimacy is the willingness to be intimate with you first and foremost. How about honor, trust, allowance, vulnerability, and gratitude with and for you? If you were truly willing to be that for you, would you be sacrificing you ever? Would it have to be dramatic, traumatic and difficult to be with someone else?

When you step into vulnerability with you, when you begin to trust you and trust that you have choice, when you give yourself the space of total allowance, you begin to become aware of what works for you, no matter what the choice… And what if you had gratitude for you just because you are willing to take the time to read this blog and ask some questions and if just for ten seconds, you allow yourself to be you. Undeniably, unforgivably you.

Here are a few questions to pull from your toolbox when you sense you are vanishing into any relationship:

– Who does this belong to?

– Who am I being in this relationship?

– What else can I create that would work for me?



Thanks for visiting and always remember, your contribution and who you be is key to creating something greater, so keep showing up in every relationship!





34 replies
  1. Tracey
    Tracey says:

    Hi Susan, what came up for me is how I will manipulate myself to continue a relationship that doesn’t work for me if the other person doesn’t want to part & I make myself wrong for the things I’d like to create in my life when my relationships tell me to ‘get real you’ll never make enough money’…….IPOV 🙂 Thank you for the tools & being you, I’ll continue to ask questions & be willing to receive…..hdigab? Weip?

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Many thanks to you. I think this question will be resonating for many people reading these blogs.
      Question #1- What’s right about this I am not getting?
      Question #2 What’s right about me I have not been willing to be or see?
      What if what you know, the possibilities of what you perceive, your willingness to receive and what you are choosing to be are far greater than what any partner, boss, parent, child, friend is willing to receive? You would let that stop you for what reason? Who does that belong to?

  2. laura sartorio
    laura sartorio says:

    I hope continously to my ex boyfriends of five years ago. I cant have other significant rapport with man I return continuosly at past. All this is not mine and is not enough to sent 123.
    What it is?

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Often when clients come to me with this “issue” I ask them this question-How many life times have you been with this person? Is this past , present or future? In what form- mother daughter, lover, son, grandparent, boss? How many oaths or vows do you have with this person till death do you part ?

      Would you be willing to let that go now? Good and bad , right and wrong all nine shorts boys and beyonds- for information on that clearing called the Access Clearing Statement please go to http://rightrelationshipforyou.com/free-resources/

  3. Gabriela Veres
    Gabriela Veres says:

    How could I ask from the universe to bring me the right man for me fast
    I don’t want to write the list Gary suggests, I don’t want to work for it, just to receive, go on dates, have fun and shine.
    And what to do with my life meanwhile? I ask to have more of me in my life, more action, more fun. What’s the next step?

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Anytime you decide what you don’t want you will receive more of what you don’t want. Could that be a vibration you are putting out?

      Here is another clue. The universe rewards action. Sometimes being present with you is the action that is required. And what if there was no right man or woman. Any time we are looking for mr or ms right , how much are we refusing what the universe is offering. You might find it interesting to read one of the above blog posts where I offer some tips to someone who asking for someone to show up

  4. Lore
    Lore says:

    What came up for me when I read this is that I am just not willing to lose myself in a relationship anymore. And I have asked those questions even now because I seem to get lost sometimes when I am aware of how they are obsessing over me and I think that it is myne.

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Is this mine, someone else’s or something else’s. Chances are when you find you are obsessing about something you have decided is yours its just because you are sonar and have a capacity to pick up everyone’s thoughts feelings and emotions. Could that be you?

  5. Marja Zapusek
    Marja Zapusek says:

    Hi Susan!

    For me, reading this article brought such lightness and expansion, I felt dizzy and light. The part where you wrote about choosing the relationship that works for me rather than a working relationship, was the total AHA! moment.
    So thank you for that. I know I have a long way to go in all my relationships, especially the relationship with myself, but I feel that I am on a lighter path now. So, how does it get better than this and what else is possible and what grand and glorious adventures can I have with myself as well as other beings?:)

    With gratitude,

  6. Nuthan
    Nuthan says:


    We have been always told “Love is Sacrifice and Sacrifice for others is what makes us human being”
    Hmmm so much of life choices had been around it…now is the time to change and truly be intimate with the infinite being ME.

    What questions can I ask to just go beyond the trauma and drama of past and just be in allowance with those relations in life which are in universal books of tough to manage relations?!

    What else is possible?

    Thank you

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Hello Nuthan
      You would want to be human for what reason? Seriously, what if everything you have been told that “feels” heavy is a lie. Yup, if it feels contractive, if it is sticking you, it is counter active. If you are trying to make something make sense, how much effort is involved?
      Have you ever had an awareness that what you have been told will work if you,doesn’t work for you? Well, you are correct-stop trying to make sense out of something that doesn’t work-let it go. When I say “let it go” and the I add in “Chances are its not yours to begin with” I am saying that 90% of what you have been told about this reality that is real, required and true isn’t. It’s not yours – let it go. Would you be willing instead to create something that actually generates and creates beyond this reality. What would it take? Ask a question, here is one to play with
      What have I made so vital about possessing drama and trauma that keeps me from the capacities of playing and creating with who I truly be?

  7. Gary
    Gary says:

    Hi Susan! What came up for me was that I did not honor me or trust my awareness when entering a new relationship. I would see things in the other person that I knew were going create problems for me yet I would ignore them & “bargain” with myself with reasons or excuses to continue the new relationship.

    So I ignored what I would like in a relationship (thus I didn’t honor me) & I didn’t trust my awareness as being right.

    Ultimately, I paid little attention to being grateful for me & thus begins the “slippery slope” of sacrificing me & my needs for those of my new partner in the emerging relationship.

    I would vacillate over decisions about whether to do something I would like to do versus something they would like. You can see how things get “messy”. Pretty soon, I insidiously start losing me in my efforts to keep them happy & keep them in the relationship.

    It takes both partners to be vulnerable to share what is going on with them & break this cycle.

    Thanks so much Susan for your brilliant contributions around relationships! Doing the RRFY has been a huge eye-opener. The manual is priceless!

    A massive thank you

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Thank You so much Gary – I am so grateful for you being you, always choosing for more awareness and thank you for the contribution you were to our New Beginnings RRFY Class in Australia and the contribution you continue to be just by being you and using the tools and the manual and guess what? I am rewriting the manual now, adding more juicy bits for our upcoming RRFY classes in the spring in Europe and it is now being translated into Hungarian. Right Relationship for You Global- I love it-what else is possible? With gratitude for everyone – how did we get so lucky?

  8. Louise Swan
    Louise Swan says:

    Hi Susan, much gratitude to you. Since I have done the RRFY, I have choosen many different pathways with my relationships, particularly with my significant other. You have empowered me to choose what is right for me, and if this doesn’t work ask, “what can we choose to make this work for both of us. I now know that I am not wrong as a being or the choices I make, and have choosen to no longer beat myself up over them, just choose something different if it does not work. Much much gratitude to you. Louise.

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Thank You Louise, so grateful for your comments That’s what I love about the Right Relationship for You Classes- a buffet of choice filled with tools to play with, so glad you are choosing for you- yipee! What else is possible for you now?

  9. Margaret
    Margaret says:

    Hi Susan,
    What comes for me is that I have been out of a relationship for many years & although I have so much love to give and I am ready to have a nurturing contributing relationship I don’t know what is blocking me from having one. I keep thinking it will show up somehow. What else is possible?

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      So here is something I offer in our Right Relationship for You Workshops- find a quite moment- write down what you are looking for in a relationship with another person- then go over the list and ask yourself- which one of these are you not willing to be for you?
      If you are not willing to be for you what you are asking someone else to be for you, might that be blocking you from being the vibration of who you would really like to attract?

  10. Lisa
    Lisa says:

    Hi Susan!

    Wow! Great questions, when I read the question “Who do you think you are?” I heard my grandmother’s voice asking me this but with “Lady Jane” added to the end of it. I actually reverted back to the age of 3, it literally makes me feel sick. I haven’t heard that one in a long time. How does it get any better than that? That opened up an awareness for me, I started shutting myself down at that time. So, thank you for that one! Also, when I read about us having gratitude for us just for taking time to read your blog, I began to get very dizzy! It never occurred to me that I should have gratitude for that. Truly, I don’t think I ever really have gratitude for me in that way. It has always seemed as though Ive had gratitude for what I am doing not for who I be. Wow!! I never had that awareness before now. Holy S**t! I’m so grateful for you Susan, I would never have gotten that without responding to your email. Thank you so much for that. How does it get any better? Cheers! Lisa

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Wow LIsa- thank you so much- and yes, that was my grandmother talking as well LOL! Gratitude is a huge one for me. I made the demand a while ago to give myself a gratitude hug everyday. I even went to the Staples store in the USA and bought a That Was Easy button !
      Acknowledgement and gratitude are fundamental keys to creating beyond this reality. When you can give yourself the gift of acknowledgement you open up to a universe of greater possibilities. Here is something I run everyday
      What energy space and Consciousness can my body and I be to perceive, know, be, acknowledge and receive the contribution of who/what/where/how we truly be ?

  11. Camilla
    Camilla says:

    Hi Susan! Thanks for this blogpost. Since I was on the telecall RRFY a couple of months ago so much have shifted and changed for me. Not always comfortable though. A lot of awareness around this topic has created a lot of ease in me. At the same time it has created a sense of being very weird and lonely. Why? Cause of those question you wrote…”Do you think you can have it all?”…”What do you want really?”……And the fact is that I think I can have it all actually…We can ALL have it all…Somewhere inside of me I´ve always known this is possible…But (Yes it´s a but 🙂 ) when it comes to the question; What I do want….I haven´t got any good answer…I can´t define it…I can´t say HOW the hell it´s going to look like…I know deep inside the sense of it…Though I got stuck in other peoples judgement, maybe my own to,,,Just because I can´t define it exactly…Don´t know how it will look….
    What can I do to get unstuck from this necessity of defining my relationships?

    By the way…THANK YOU for RRFY and for you Susan! Loved the call and everything else you contribute…really changed my life….Hugs from Camilla in Sweden

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      You are so welcome Camilla and thank you for your questions. As an infinite being we can be, do, generate and create everything at will- that is who we be and intrinsically what we know. It is only when we try to fit into this reality that we buy this reality’s point of view that we can’t have it all. This reality looks at having it all as possessing it all- mine not yours! Yours, not mine!
      As an infinite being we can be everything. When we ask what energy space and consciousness can I be- consciousness includes everything and judges nothing- there is no limitation nor possession in energy, space and consciousness. And yes that is a different space to play in that not many are willing to be with in any relationship. So Camilla, what if your willingness to be what you know is possible could change the possibilities of relationships on the planet? Would you be willing to be that energy? Just for today?

  12. Renee
    Renee says:

    I heard from AC the question, “what would it take to invite more people who want to play in vulnerability, instead of trying to get those I am with to come along?” And allowance is the lubricant of change. I can see how I limit myself to match the people around me that I really like, but who are not making big choices – actually as I write it’s obvious to me that I have an expectation of what a big choice looks like, and what if in their book they are making big choices? That awareness, and other awareness that often unearth where I’m just living in a conclusion, has a tendency to make me just stop. Is this a case of my awareness out running my allowance? Is there a question I could ask when I hit that….what is that? Space?

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Great Awareness and yes often our awareness often goes way beyond our capacity for allowance- it’s like building a muscle!! Often when we feel like we are stopping we are just about to jump and fly, often what we have been asking for is just about to show up- sometimes the universe takes a while to align with what you are asking for- how does it get any better than that? Curiosity about space seems to be coming up a lot these days. I just did an open Q&A skype call with a Bars Swap going on in Copenhagen and there was a question of how do I be the space of me coming up there as well.

  13. Sally
    Sally says:

    Too often relationships “work” or appear to work due to a desire to be seen as successful. We contort ourselves in order to attain status or keep peace in the family or both. In the process we give ourselves away for a mirage. This is fear-based and does NOT belong to us. Waking up to this awareness was pivotal for me. There can be no generative relationship with another that erodes your love of self.

  14. mary
    mary says:

    That is bringing up a lot of energy of what was in the past. Wow!!!! I sense my whole body contracting as my energy is pulled in thinking that I need to do that to be safe to hide from the furry, the rage, the turmoil of others. Oooo….. very uncomfortable. Chest contracting, wow the unpleasantness and the distraction of what life was is breath taking. That is not about living. How delightful to say that. 🙂 I am delighted that the tools of Access have assisted me in being with the awareness of the energy that I be rather then binding myself to stories of who I should be. Breathing with ease. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Love that- cool for you and what a wonderful awareness- accessing the energy that you be-
      As you mentioned enjoying the tools of Access , here is an Access Process/Question for you to play with- as always, thanks for being you!

  15. Lisette
    Lisette says:

    Thanks so much Susan for your fabulous (and spot-on) insights. We hear so many derivatives on this subject. However, I have found that when I hear something that hasn’t been twisted in some way, I feel energized. This totally did that for me. Thanks again 🙂

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Yay- so grateful-Thank You- me too- that’s actually one of my main my targets – to be clear about what works , what doesn’t work, how we can change anything if we are willing and how we can be us in every relationship. Truly what else is possible?

  16. suzan blackman
    suzan blackman says:

    Nice reminder of the infinite within. Instead of defining what is right for me or my couple with external social definitions of what intimacy is. Am so conscious of my own self love within the questions…. I love who I be.

    p.s. Would love a blog about grief in the loss of a loved one.
    Feel challenged in the emotions around what appears to be loss.
    Am conscious love never dies, to mourn the loss and not the death.

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      You are so welcome and thank you so much for the suggestion of a blog on Grief- I am asking a dear friend of mine who is a grief counselor and Access facilitator Wendy Mulder to contribute-look for it in about three blogs from now! As always , I would love to hear your thoughts!

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