Growing with Relationships

I just realized the other day I have been with Ricky since I was 21- that makes 40 years together – who knew?

How many of us have decided that it’s impossible to continue to grow and develop individually when we also desire to be in a relationship with someone else?

People often ask me what’s the secret? No secret – just a few helpful tips.

Tip One

Acknowledge when something isn’t working. Acknowledge when something is working.

The first step is to acknowledge when something isn’t working. Don’t let it fester. Look at the relationship you are in and acknowledge what is there, what works and what doesn’t work.

Here are some questions to ask:

What possibilities are available here that I haven’t acknowledged?

What possibilities can I be that would create a totally different reality?

What else is possible here for me that I haven’t been willing to be or see?

What I have found is it’s important to be a possibility, not just ask for one to show up. To be a possibility you must be in the question. In order for you to be in the question, you have to get out of necessity, blame, shame, regret, and guilt.

When we get to the point where we realize that something isn’t working, we have the choice to do and BE different.

Tip Two

Give up referencing the past.Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 10.42.45 AM

If you really want to grow in any relationship (first and foremost would be the relationship you are creating with yourself), you have to function from question, choice, possibility, and contributionTo function from question is to gain awareness.

When you ask a question, you open the doors to multiple possibilities. When you choose one of the possibilities, it gives you an awareness of other possibilities. Choice creates awareness. The second step is to give up referencing the past. The past is all about judgment. You take something bad and project it into the future; “He always does this…” “Last time you said that….” “ She never understood me…” How many of us react to what we have decided we know about ourselves or someone else rather than being in the question of what else is possible for the future.

How many people do you know that keep trying to get you to focus and come down to something that they can control?

If you are truly willing to function from choice, question, and possibility, then you start to open possibilities to relationships that you never even thought were possible or had existed.

When you are in creation; you are in action. Then it’s about: What’s the question here? What choice do I have? What possibilities are there? What contribution can I be and receive from all of this? You no longer function as though you are at the effect of things and other people.

Tip Three

Be willing to let go and let grow.

If something isn’t working ask, “What would work for me?” “What else is possible?”

When you are willing to shift and change, something greater can show up. This allows you to stay present with the person as they are and not keep going to the past to create the present and the future.



Tip Four

Be willing to be grateful.

Gratitude always contributes to whatever shows up.

What would it take to be grateful for every awareness, possibility, contribution and choice, no matter how uncomfortable it is? What could show up then? What questions have you been refusing to ask?



What comes up for you when you read this blog? I’d love to hear from you. Even if you don’t win a complimentary 15-minute private session, I’ll respond to your post when I can. How does it get better than that?

With joy,





17 replies
  1. Pari
    Pari says:

    My question is how can i reverse the damage done by being ungrateful and resentful and angry to the extent the person left and now i am looking at empty space which was earlier filled by lies by him and i realised now we can change our reality so how do i go about getting him back and having a wonderful relationship? or how to let go or know what is the truth here?

  2. Dorit Christensen
    Dorit Christensen says:

    Hi Susan,
    I think many people (including myself) coming into access think that this must mean the end for their partner relationship. I remember my friend who had been in access for many years and finally made me so curious to find out more and get into it too, was sure my participation at Foundation and level 1 would mean I wanted to leave my newly married husband (after being together for 20 years 🙂
    Well it became the opposite – we got even closer and I got more satisfied with him – I feel so grateful that I have him in my life. Then there is of course some things we can work on and it is like you say here – be in the question and be willing to change and do not live today from the past. It is actually seldom I have met any person working with access who is not a single. It almost feels like you have got to be single to have the fully possibility to be You but actually it may be possible to have you and be in a relationship too – even 22 years as me or 40 years as you. Wish to see you later on in a class. Maybe I will join your monthly tele class because the class dates do not fit this May & June in Copenhagen.
    With gratitude, Dorit

  3. Bente Stamoen
    Bente Stamoen says:

    Hi Susan !
    So interesting to read Your tips, I did the oposit in my relationship! And I have been using the same to myself! Interesting choise… ?!
    Reading Your tips made me see it, amazing!!
    Thank you so much!!
    With gratitude, Bente 🙂

  4. Kriss
    Kriss says:

    Thank you so much for your ‘spot on’ blog post. We’re about to celebrate our 45th anniversay and I’ve been in Access only 1.5 years of that. Our relationship has improved immensely since Access. Who knew there would be new possibilities and that things could get BETTER after 45 years? My heart is so full of gratitude.

  5. Kai
    Kai says:

    what question can i ask to to get clear about feeling jelous, i feel like there are sooooo many layers to it,its just exhausting at times…..Thank you Susan for your blog and contributing to the endless topic of relationships,Kai

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Hi Kai, Jealousy is actually one of the biggest distractions that we create. Create? Yes. Jealousy is not real. It is a creation . How many of us have been implanted to believe Jealousy is real? How many of us look to jealousy as a barometer for how much we feel? In order to prove it is real we have to solidify it into Trauma and Drama ( also not real and also exhausting!!) So how much of your being you are you devoting to being jealous? Who did you buy that from? To create the density required to make Jealousy, Drama and Trauma heavy and significant you would have to go out of your way to prove it is real. How is that working fir you? What if you chose something else. If it is light , it is right. If is heavy ( exhausting) it is a lie. So what would you like to create? The choice is yours.

  6. Garthli Mumfords
    Garthli Mumfords says:

    LOVING this! Thank you so much Susan & Right Relationship for You! I’ll be following this blog.

  7. Tribecca Mullins
    Tribecca Mullins says:

    How amazing is this? I’m always on the hunt to better myself and my relationships and this definitely added to the pot! Thank you for sharing yours and Ricky’s relationship. It’s such an inspiration! How did I get so lucky to stumble across this fabulous writing?

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Yay for You Tabitha, I have found the more I am willing to be the tools the more my relationship expands and the better sex i have- oops! Don’t do that, that could be too much fun!!

  8. Jen Gushue
    Jen Gushue says:

    Hey Susan,
    Thank you so much for this amazing contribution! It’s so refreshing to see somebody who preaches relationships in a long, sturdy relationship themselves! What a fire starter you are!
    Looking forward to more blogs and to meeting you in the near future.

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