Play Nice Boys and Girls: Questions Instead of Compromise

article400_couple-boxing-gloves-420x0One of the very first things we learn in school is compromise and cooperation. We are taught that compromising with our schoolmates is honorable and good and that choosing for ourselves is selfish and bad, which can lead to conflict in our relationships! These lessons stay with us as we go on to create relationships later in our lives. No wonder we end up fighting!

Where have you created relationship that pins you down to compromise?

A relationship should be something that expands your life, not contracts it. If you are constantly at war with your partner can you really be at peace with yourself? A relationship is not something you do as a substitute for having a life. How many people create relationships based on solving a problem called “What to do with my life?” and then after the first blush of lust is over they find they are at war with their partners?

When you think of someone as opposite you have to be in opposition to them, on the other side; you then are in opposition to you. So what have you decided you are on the opposite side of and who does that belong to? Does that really allow you to discover all of you? And you would want to be less than all of you in a relationship for what reason?

This is a perfect time to ask, “Whose reality is this, mine or theirs?” And what’s the value of holding onto anyone’s reality? Who are you holding onto it for?

A happy relationship depends on growth and change. If you are at war you are constantly defending your position, actually retreating rather than creating a space for more of you to show up? The lie of compromise comes from the notion that we are Solve-the-Problems-in-a-Relationshipsomehow in opposite camps in relationship and must find some kind of political detente’.

However and whenever you choose to see yourself as separate from anything or anyone on the planet, you are divorcing yourself from you. When in relationship, we often divorce ourselves in very subtle ways.

When you divorce any part of you, you go into polarity of right or wrong, good or bad.

You come out of awareness and gratitude into conclusion and judgment. What if you were willing to be you without finding a wrongness in anyone, including you. How many partnerships do you know that thrive on conclusions and judgment?

For me the awareness in many of these moments is, “Oh my partner is actually choosing this for him, so what would I like to choose for me?

This is your tool as an alternative to compromise: Ask, “What about this works for me? What doesn’t work for me, and what could I choose differently to create for myself what would work for me?”

I am not choosing against him, but rather I am asking what I would like to choose for me!

I’m clear that this is not a place of working against my partner, rather a place of working toward what works for me!

And once I eased into that, I could feel space there! When you are actually choosing for you, and not against someone else, you are creating more space for both of you to just be! Then you can both choose without it being choosing against each other or compromising.

HAPPY-COUPLEIn this way, we are in a constant state of creation and re-creation of our relationships…

We can play nice, and still not give away any pieces of ourselves!

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PS. Has reading this changed anything for you? Why not pass this on to all of your friends, and of course we love to hear from you, so please continue to write in, in the comments section below.




4 replies
  1. Shweta Chadha
    Shweta Chadha says:

    Yes, reading that changed something for me.. Loved the part about not going against someone and still choosing for myself.. Have been in access for a while now.. Have seen the change..

  2. Liam Phillips
    Liam Phillips says:

    Thanks for the blog! Very timely. I just loved what you said near the end “In this way, we are in a constant state of creation and re-creation for our relationships.” I have noticed that when I step out of creating my relationship I get bogged down and reference the past. Also Reading Nischitha’ comment I recognize that a lot of what is going on in my relationship is me picking up what is going on for others in their relationships. This makes it much easier to deal with and I don’t have to judge me!


  3. Nischitha
    Nischitha says:

    Thank you for sharing this beautifully written blog, dear Susan. My dad and I used to be at constant loggerheads and I used to get upset very often. Now as I read this I realize how much I have been trying to get him to get my point of view that I’m not interested in choosing sacrifice and difficulty. I now know that I haven’t been choosing for me by picking up arguments with him and trying to get him to choose happiness. Yet another Aha moment!!! What could I choose differently to create for myself? What would work for me? Feel so expansive already. Thank you..You rock!!!

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