Very often, when one of my clients is looking for a partner, they begin telling a story about their life in relationships. (I always date losers. There are no good partners left. All the good ones are married. Men don’t love me or show up for me. Women don’t want to be with a nice guy like me, they want a bad boy.) We get very attached to our “stories”, and it’s time we unlearned them!
When we are in these stories, we create a relationship for the future based on the past. We go to what didn’t work in our relationship and create something from fixing what we have decided is wrong. We say, “I’ll be better at this next time. I am looking for someone who won’t do this or that or someone who can be better at this or that.”
When we bring our stories in, we are already apologizing to ourselves for what could go wrong, and in a sense we are looking for something to go wrong to match our story, to make our story real and true, to gives ourselves the value of drama and trauma we are sure is a prerequisite for any successful relationship.
How many of us are refusing to create successful relationships because then we don’t have to fail?
Do you get a sense of the polarity people put themselves into even before embarking on a relationship?
How many of us are not willing to step into being the success in being ourselves in relationship to ourselves, in being us, in being in a relationship? We reason that if we don’t create the kind of relationship we would like to create we don’t have to worry about failing!
In lose or not lose, success or failure, you are caught in the polarity of right or wrong. How many people enjoy being right about being wrong and wrong about being right? (I thought I knew him/her. I never saw it coming! Who knew? I thought we were the perfect couple! Boy, did she/he have me fooled!)
If you have convinced yourself that you are good at making poor choices in partners, that is what you will get. You get what you ask for! If you have a point of view that you don’t want to choose a loser anymore, everyone you come in contact with will be the same kind of partner that you’ve been choosing all along!
You see, “no more losers for me” is a judgment. There is no question in it. You are still in conclusion. Asking questions instead will create more of what you desire!
Your tool for unlearning your stories: Ask, “Would this person add to my life and living? Would being with this person create the kind of relationship I have been asking for? What potency am I refusing to step into that if I would choose it would change all realities and non-realities allowing me to choose greater rather than sticking to my stories?”
What if you could just create everything you desire in a relationship, and it could be easy and fun instead?