What if Grief is Ok?

I was recently asked about dealing with grief when a loved one passes on. It’s interesting that grief comes up around the subject of relationships because not only do we grieve when someone dies, but many people also grieve when a relationship ends.

The way that this reality looks at death is that it is an ultimate ending to the relationship, and it doesn’t take into consideration that we are infinite beings whose energies never die.

So, when most people are grieving, they are grieving the death, not the loss of the physical being. There is a difference, and while it may not be entirely comforting in the moment, when we see death as merely a changing of the location of the energetic being and not their complete and utter disappearance, it may help the depth to which we experience the grief.

Often we are told by others when and how it is appropriate to grieve. We may be criticized for grieving too much, or too little. We may be judging ourselves about it as well.

What if it is ok to grieve, and there is no rightness or wrongness in how we grieve? What if one of the ways to allow for more ease in your grief, is to start to be in allowance of yourself and stop judging yourself? Even if you are still grieving many months after the person has passed on?

It is ok to grieve. You are missing the person who died and that is natural. You are missing those times you had together. When we judge ourselves for grieving, we make ourselves wrong for it, and that is when it is not a contribution to our lives.

Allow the tears, and be with it in those moments or that hour, and then maybe ask a question, and have gratitude for that person and remember you are still alive and living!

Ask, “What is it now that I would like to do?” It could be just going for a walk and allowing the countryside to contribute to Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 10.47.55 AMyou. It might be getting out with friends for a while, or watching a movie or television show that you really enjoy. Maybe it’s a lovely nap to refresh your body!

Self-nurturing during this time will contribute a great deal to not allowing the sadness, tears, and trauma to take over your life. It is important that we not become lost in the swamp of the grief, but that we allow it to ebb naturally as we continue to live our lives. If grief was a gift, what choices could it offer you, and what changes could those choices bring? Asking these kinds of questions can open up new possibilities in your world.

Grieving a loss is natural. Relationships end for many reasons, and we do experience loss. Judging our grief is where we get into trouble. Judgment always sticks us. As you are in allowance of your grieving, you will find that you are able to move through it more easily, and continue to create your life. Joy will follow, as it is always available to us when we are in allowance and asking questions.

I would like to thank Wendy Mulder for her wonderful contribution to this blog. I highly recommend her book Learning from Grief where she offers a very different look at how grief can be a contribution to you in your life!

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 10.48.03 AMI invite you to be in total allowance of you, nurture your relationship with yourself and be in the comfort of knowing that grief is only temporary, but joy can be yours each and every ten seconds of your life.


What comes up for you when you read this blog? I’d love to hear from you. Your contribution creates more possibilities for me and other readers!




16 replies
  1. Susanna
    Susanna says:

    Thank you for this blog post, Susan. I was working with and supporting people who had lost their loved ones in a natural disaster. A few months after that I lost my mother and could draw from the wisdom that experience had brought me. Then I discovered Access Consciousness and a couple of years later my father had had enough of his body. Even though over a year has passed I think somewhere along the way I forgot to be “in allowance” of my grieving–for both my parents–and forgot to be in allowance of myself and my body. As I was writing this post I just realized that I’ve bought a point of view of my father that after one year the grieving is supposed to be over. Ha! what if something else is possible here? Thank you for the reminder of being in allowance and thank you for the question about nurturing. I will ask it daily from now on.

  2. Elisabeth
    Elisabeth says:

    When I found out my husband was having an affair I assumed I had to change (be happy!) and I didn’t tell him I knew. It was only after having Access bars (and letting him continue the affair) nearly 2 years later, that I was brave enough to let him know. The resulting break down of our marriage, leaving me to single handedly cope with 4 young children and a lively dog has left me grieving more deeply than I could imagine. Not just for the relationship and man I have lost but for the family we had, the sharing of our children, the lifestyle and the person I was when in that relationship. Being with the grief, as is suggested in the blog seems counterproductive – I wish to be out of it, feeling alive again not stuck in the anger, frustration and pain.

  3. Margaret
    Margaret says:

    What comes up for me- A person doesn’t have to die for us to grieve, and the separation tha we sometimes put ourselve through is only momemtary. We will find joy in other people, things, life, but most of all ourselves. We judge ourselves trying to find reasons why that person is no longer with us, but what if that was meant to be for us to find better, they were only like a stepping stone or a step?

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Thank you so much Margaret
      That really resonates with “We are the creators of everything and everyone we come in contact with and even those we are not yet aware of.”

      For me this is where gratitude comes in. I am so grateful for all those who I am in contact with and those I have had contact with. There is no one we have never met before, past, present or future. Who were you to me? Who have we been to each other; Mother, daughter, father, lover, son, slayer, owner, priest, rabbi, guru, friend, enemy? What commitment did we have to be together again? How many decisions, judgments, conclusions, oaths, vows, fealties and commitments did and do we have to each other till death do you part?

      Can an infinite being ever die?

  4. Jeni Be
    Jeni Be says:

    Thank you this, I lost my mum 18mths ago and through this I was drawn to access classes . I kept feeling her energy around and was aware I could ‘sense’ her. Not something I had ever explored before in reality, and Shannon O’Hara’s Talk to the entities classes helped me with this . I got rid of a lot of points of view around the Spirit world and what death is . I began to perceive a different way to be with death.
    I did find it strange that allow I could still communicate with her ,perceive her around me …I still grieved! My awareness around this is that is my BODY that grieves the physical loss of my mum, the physical touch, the sharing of all things in embodiment. Mainly the ‘doings’ like a hug, a coffee out in a cafe or getting ready and planning some family event together. My being seems perfectly content with communication with mum as it is.
    Is any of this similar to when we end a relationship with another and they have not passed on? Is it the body that grieves for the physical contact?
    Thank you for this blog and your questions .

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      What a thoughtful response Jeni
      Yes, often the body craves physical contact. And who imposes what form of contact it will allow the body to receive? What if there was no judgment or limitation on what is nourishing contact for the body?
      A warm scented bath away from the chaos of the household, a walk on quiet road with the soft breeze of springtime caressing your cheek, the bracing salty wind off the sea, laughter, joy, and the warmth of a nurturing body -how many ways can our body be nourished by touch?

      What if for the next two weeks everyone who s reading this asks this question every day- what can I choose today that would be nourishing for my body and me?

  5. Crystal Nagier
    Crystal Nagier says:

    Amazing post, Susan! Recently lost my father and my grandfather. It’s been such a rough go, but this post definitely helped me to recognize how to address the pain.

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Thank you Crystal. This reality gives us so many variations to “handle” grief. What if there was a totally different way to be with “death”? Being aware that there is nothing wrong with you, no matter what and how you choose, is probably one of the most important awareness’s you can ever have.

  6. Jennifer Batt
    Jennifer Batt says:

    Thank you SO much for this, Susan. It’s such a touchy subject when it comes to grief and you nailed it.
    xo Jenn

    • SusanLazarHart
      SusanLazarHart says:

      Thanks you Jen, the response to this blog and topic have been such a contribution to so many. I am always so grateful when people ask me about what’s coming up for them, in their universe.

  7. suzan blackman
    suzan blackman says:

    Thank you Susan, I find great comfort in your words. I am aware that we go on, on how infinite we are. I know I will grieve the loss of my loved one but not the death itself for it is only energy changing form and vibration. Grief is momentarily difficult but makes place to a deeper knowing of an innate state of happiness that is truer to ”who I be”.
    Hugs. Suzan

  8. Lisette
    Lisette says:

    This blog was so incredibly timely Susan. Thanks so much for this gentle reminder that there is nothing wrong with me.

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